Why You Struggle to Relax and Enjoy Free Time as an Adult

Something I’ve struggled with as an adult has been relaxing and enjoying free time without feeling guilty. It’s not that I don’t prioritize or make time for it, but that when the time comes, I still feel on edge — like there’s something else I “should” be doing. I think this is especially true for business owners because there’s always something that needs doing (also true for anyone who manages a household and/or family).

I watch people around me enjoy different hobbies and really get into them. Baking, dancing, knitting, writing, etc. 

But whenever I pick up a new hobby, it doesn’t stick for long. I may get really into it temporarily, but inevitably, I either lose interest or shift my attention to something else. For many adults, this struggle with hobbies isn’t about discipline or attention at all, but about an inner sense of safety.

After talking to a few peers, I decided to do some EFT tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique) on it and see what came up. Maybe there were some unconscious beliefs making it difficult for me to enjoy my time off. 

As I started tapping, I uncovered childhood memories where I was specifically told that I shouldn’t ever feel bored or be doing nothing. I also hardly remember family members ever doing nothing. So from a very young age, based on what I observed and in some instances was told directly, I learned that being bored meant I was irresponsible, stupid, and ignorant. And to take it even further, I extrapolated that in order to be a “successful adult,” one mustn’t ever be bored or idle. 

I can recognize on a conscious level that this isn’t true. Of course adults are allowed to be bored, take time off, and enjoy themselves. But there is in fact a part of me that doesn’t think I’m allowed to and believes there might be negative repercussions if I do — which impedes my overall sense of safety. So of course when it’s time to let myself rest, I feel on edge. Of course I feel like I have to keep doing and being productive if it means that’s the only way to succeed at being an adult. 

Later that day after I did the tapping exercise, I was able to dance and listen to music just for fun. However, these types of beliefs can take time for us to fully heal, and the “fun” practices are part of the solution. 

If this is something you experience too — difficulty resting, taking time off, or enjoying yourself as an adult — then the practice is actually letting yourself do things you enjoy and even let yourself be bored. Lay on your rug and stare at the ceiling. Listen to music — without doing anything else (don’t cook or clean or drive. For this practice, just listen to the music).  Sit on your couch and just breathe. Make it a game and see how long you can last.

Don’t wait until you feel like you can rest. Make rest and joy intentional practices in themselves. Each time you experience the joy, happiness, and excitement of the practice, you will heal and connect to the part of you who’s been protecting you all along. She will learn from your joy that it’s safe to rest, safe to relax, and safe to have fun… even as an adult. 

“At the end of life, there isn’t an award for getting the most done. Living is the award.” - Nataly Kogan